In a little less than a month, it will be the one year anniversary of my sister’s death.
Right this minute, I’m struggling with feeling all the feelings that are bubbling beneath the surface.
I’m a stoic kind of girl.
Actually, that’s not true.
I’m a “only-admit-to-feeling-good-things” kind of girl.
The kind of girl that cries in the shower and then beams a big cheerful grin at you the rest of the day. The kind of girl that could easily be falling to pieces internally, but will be busy giving out hugs and compliments.
Or setting myself incredibly hard-ass challenges that would take a miracle to pull off… um, like the one I kinda setup for myself today. Or like that time I set myself the “One Question Interview” challenge–just realized that I decided to start the challenge the day I learned my aunt was dying. (Which, I suppose, explains why I chose such a weird start date… mid January to mid February, instead of starting at the beginning of February and actually giving myself time to plan the interviews.)
Guys… I can’t bear to feel all the feels about my sister’s death.
I miss my sister terribly.
I feel guilty that I didn’t spend more time with her.
I feel anger about things that happened in her life that I couldn’t possibly control.
And I’m scared that if I fully feel that way– plus the other things that I can’t seem to express or even pinpoint exactly what they are – I will spend the month of September hiding under the covers in my bed.
So… I’m struggling with sharing this crazy challenge I’m contemplating for the month of September. It’s C.R.A.Z.Y.!
But– at the same time– it would be so crazy awesome if I could actually pull it off!
There are mature options that I ought to be considering:
- grief counseling
- giving myself permission to feel the feels
- surrounding myself with people who care about me
Even thinking through that list makes me have to hug myself tight (seriously, it’s what I do to comfort myself. If I sent you a picture of what I’m doing between typing sentences, you’d see me with my arms wrapped around myself in a bear hug. ).
I love my sister and I don’t want to spend the next month focused on missing her or grieving her. I’d much rather focus on trying to accomplish the impossible.
Is that selfish? immature? unenlightened?
It’s also where I am right now.
You know I’m catching stories, right?
I’ve also decided to practice creative discipline, which means that over the next few weeks, you’ll start to see some regular “themed” posts. Tuesdays seem like a good day to share my honest perspective… and it feels like a fair exchange, to be vulnerable with you, the way some of you have already chosen to be vulnerable with me.
Maybe we’ll just fight our monsters together…